Horizon

Horizon
Originally uploaded by AuRoRiN & MoOoK.

Taking the first step into my 4th decade of existence. Quite a mish-mash of feelings right now. Some sense of relief that i have been through the first 1/3 of my life (presuming optimistically that i'll live to be at least 90 of course) with relative good fortune. A little sense of disappointment that i didn't achieve more than i could have. A nagging feeling of regret over some 'crimes' i have committed over the years. But generally happy, because it's after all my birthday today.

Just received an email about 'reappraisal' from a friend of mine and i guess i was at the state of reappraisal for the last 3 years. Damn long if you asked me, just to do some stock-taking and planning for the future. Yet here it is, the final 'deadline' before moving on to my next phase in life.. and i am still at it because my inventory list still have a couple of lobangs and my future plans remain hazy.

In the last 30 years, i have learnt to tie my shoelaces, play the piano & paint badly. I have obtained numerous academic certificates, which in the end i found, did not correlate to success in life. I have accumulated some unique experiences such as getting kicked out of school at the age of 8 and working for a 'smuggling syndicate' before the age of 12. I have been through financial upheavals where family fortune was completely reversed twice in these 30 years, once in 1984 (terribly bad), another in 90s (still on the way up). Through it all, i have understood my family a little bit more and made my peace with them after the rather angst-filled teenage years. I have also learnt to appreciate all that they have given me in terms of their love and support (no matter how odd their way of expressions are).

I started my first permanent job at the age of 25 and is still at it. I am still confused if my passion brought me my job or is it the other way round. I learnt about true compassion with the children i see and some people i worked with. Yet, i have also discarded my rose-tinted glasses and learnt the sad truth about office politics and experienced the person-numbing effects of work-dissatisfaction. I realized the importance of being tactful & watching the words i say because passion & drive sometimes turn others against you. With that, i've also seen how colleagues can be true friends & felt their protective presence the moment i realized that work is not as innocent & straight-forward as i have thought.

I have met many people and made many friends over the years though they came and went. Still, there were others who came back again and stayed for good (i hope). I learnt some lessons about friendships such as empathy & patience but sometimes i am still at a loss about what to do or say to a friend. I still have not learnt how to be a social butterfly but managed to be more extroverted in my early 20s. Over the years, i have also accumulated more confidence in expressing myself but occasionally froze when i had to address a group suddenly.

I went through emotional ups & downs in relationships from the age of 18, though my first ever crush on a guy was when i was in kindergarten. I might have some ideas how it felt like to be depressed, to be vinditive, to be betrayed, to be hateful, but also to be protected, to be honoured and to be loved. I have only ever dated 3 guys seriously and married the last guy after dating for 7 years. Though we continued to fight and squabble sometimes, despite the change in our "status", the love that was so intangible before, is becoming clearer as time goes by.

There are so many other things about other things i have learnt and experienced but here's the essence of what i know. With time (perhaps another decade?), this essence of me will have more flavour, like boiling a giant pot of soup-stock. Till then, i guess i will just have to keep stirring & adding in the years (and what it entails) as they come.

So... Here's to me... happy 30th.